Winning Friends & Influencing People

Notes from: "How to Win Friends and Influence People":

·         Benjamin Franklin said the key to his success was that “I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody.”

·         Charles Schwab said “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people, the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing that so kills the ambition of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault.”

·         Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

·         Influencing people:

o   The only way on earth to influence people is to talk about what THEY want and show them how to get it – This is the key to being a great leader/manager, building a successful careers in sales, demonstrating incredible customer service and establishing successful relationships in both personal and professional endeavors.

o   If you ever want to persuade somebody to do something, before you speak, pause and ask yourself “how can I make this person want to do it?”

§  People are usually thinking in terms of WIIFM (What’s in it for me?) – Shift your thinking to WIIFT (What’s in it for them) – this will help you understand why a person is thinking a certain way

§  If you are always thinking from the other person’s point of view – it is much easier to move someone to your way of thinking

§  Creating “Cooperative Alliances” means more productive teamwork and less day-to-day conflict – thus increasing the profitability of your company

·         Getting people to like you:

o   Principle 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people (people absolutely love to talk about themselves. It’s amazing how somebody will always remember a conversation that they had with you if you were the one listening and asking insightful questions 90% of the time)

o   Principle 2 – Smile (smile statistic – did you know that a smile can be seen from 300 yards away and that is impossible to have a negative thought while you are genuinely smiling)

o   Principle 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language (Everybody loves to hear their name. It’s a great way to begin and end a conversation.)

o   Principle 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves (That’s why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth)

o   Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person’s interest (WIIFT) – so important to always think in terms of another person’s benefit

o   Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

·         Ending an argument:

o   “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

§  You are recognizing another person’s feeling. You are not disagreeing with them. When you disagree it only exacerbates the argument.

o   If you are confronted, be the bigger person, admit your faults and immediately bring it to attention. For example: “You know John, you are right. I could have definitely done a better job on that proposal.

·         Winning people to your way of thinking (without arguing):

o   Principle 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. (Avoiding arguments at all cost – nobody ever wins an argument)

o   Principle 2 – Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong.” (think about another person’s pride and never attack it. Be the bigger person. Remember: people will always defend their position (whether right or wrong) when they feel attacked – it’s the animal instinct. Even if you know the person is wrong, the bigger man helps the other person realize that in a tactful manner.)

o   Principle 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically (Be quick to admit your faults and slow to criticize others)

o   Principle 4 – Begin in a friendly way (If people like you, they are much more likely to be influenced to your way of thinking)

o   Principle 5 – Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately (a series of little yeses equals one big YES….the one you are looking for)

o   Principle 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking (The best way to understand a person’s point of view is to listen. You can’t listen while you are talking. If you listen long enough and ask targeted questions you will quickly understand why somebody did something. If a person feels that you truly listened to them, they are much more likely to listen to you when it is your turn to talk. You will also be much more equipped to deal with their concerns and help them see WIIFT)

o   Principle 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers (This is where making suggestions and asking questions RATHER than being confrontational – people always love their own ideas….help them think they come up with it. This is the mark of a great leader and a great communicator. Great leaders don’t care who gets the credit, they care that things get done.)

o   Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view (The best way to do this is by listening – you can’t see someone else’s point of view while you are talking)

o   Principle 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires (remember people’s ideas are gold to them. The quickest way to lose someone’s support is to squash their ideas and/or desires)

o   Principle 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives (be the bigger person in a conflict. Most of the time conflict is really just a miscommunication or a misunderstanding)

o   Principle 11 – Dramatize your ideas (Salesmanship - proving a point)

o   Principle 12 – Throw down a challenge (Use a commitment to prove your conviction)

·         Be a Leader (how to criticize or address an issue with somebody):

o   Principle 1 – Begin with praise & honest appreciation (Be genuine, nobody likes a fake compliment. This is a great way to begin an interaction with somebody. This tells them that there is something you truly value about what they do.

o   Principle 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. (Don’t say “you did a terrible job on that proposal” instead say “Hey I loved how you talked about the successes we had in Q1. I am wondering if we should include a little bit about the challenges we encountered in Q2. What do you think?”

o   Principle 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person (This humanizes a conversation – especially when a superior is bring something to the attention of a subordinate. If someone makes a mistake, it’s nice to know that someone else has made a similar (or bigger) mistake. People always want to correct their mistakes if they are not belittled about them.)

o   Principle 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders            

§  “Do you think we could communicate section III a little clearer for our clients?”

§  “Do you have time to add a few more examples to the presentation?”

o   Principle 5 – Let the other person save face

o   Principle 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” – People are much more motivated to continue improving when somebody recognizes the work they have ALREADY done

o   Principle 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to (People will always live up to the expectations you have for them. “You are incredible presenter and you always deliver powerful and impactful presentations.” You are helping believe that they ARE great at something and they have no choice but to live up to that expectation vs. “You are never on time” – this only exacerbates a person’s punctuality

o   Principle 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

o   Principle 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

My own thoughts:

·         Anytime somebody else makes a mistake, take the blame by using the word “we” – “I think YOU did a great job with paragraph 3, but maybe WE could add something to paragraph 2 to better communicate the message to our clients?”

o   GIVE credit and TAKE the blame

o   PUBLIC praise, PRIVATE criticism (criticism should NEVER seem like criticism)

Likeability: (USA Today Article)

·         “Likeability can even trump competence. A study this year in Harvard Business Review found that personal feelings toward an employee play a more important role in forming work relationships than is commonly acknowledged. It is even more important than how competent an employee is seen to be.” [mediocre quote]

·         Likeability – the ability to produce a positive emotional experience in someone else, such as making co-workers feel good about themselves.

·         How likeable an employee is can also influence customers. Research has found customers’ perceptions of the employees they deal with can influence their overall feelings toward a company.

o   60% of customers say that, when faced with rudeness, they take their business elsewhere, even if it means going out of their way or paying a higher price, according to a survey by Eticon, a Columbian, S.C. – based provider of etiquette consulting for business.

·         “As an employer, likability is more important to me than possession of specific skills or experience. You can provide training to compensate for missing skills, but it’s almost impossible to compensate for personality” Tory Johnson, CEO of Women for Hire.